


Baby, It's You

by idkpeachystuff



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: AU Where Stony is Canon, Angst, Endgame Is Gonna Kill Me So Here's Even More Angst lmao, Everything Hurts, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mentioned Bucky Barnes, Mild Sexual Content, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Pre-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-10 19:24:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18414305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idkpeachystuff/pseuds/idkpeachystuff
Summary: "I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, honey."





	Baby, It's You

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys !! before you start this story, i wanted to let you guys know that i have a stony playlist on spotify that follows basically their story and the ups and downs of it (and yes, in order too !!) and it fits this story pretty well so if you're one of those people that likes "mood music" in the background while you read, here's a playlist for you hahah. so go give it a follow if you'd like. and without further ado, i give to you "baby, it's you" hope you enjoy !!
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/63z2lb3a9hkp1gmwekfv1zgin/playlist/56GxoRKNA1Ka0JZ03o62bB

To blame this all on Tony is unfair.

 

Actually, for Tony to blame this all on himself is unfair. But of course, he'll never realize that. For the longest time he's always figured things are just his fault. Every time someone he loved got hurt, every time something went wrong in the slightest, every time someone in the tower or Pepper was upset. And of course, for years now he's of course shifted the blame of the fallout on himself.

 

_My fault, my fault, my own stupid fucking fault._

 

All he was trying to do was _prevent_ The Avengers from tearing apart. Admittedly that meant doing things he hated and making terrible impulse decisions, but he tried. He knows now it wasn't the best he could've done, but he did the things he did and he hated himself for it. There was no going back now, and how he wishes there was. He got so caught up in everything that was moving too fast, too chaotic, too quickly. It all started with the burdened guilt of coming to know a certain victim of the attack on Sokovia, then of course the accords happened, then the bombing of the UN which drew Steve back to Barnes and things only spiraled down from there- God, it was all just  _too much_. 

 

Then the aftermath of the accords happened. Emotions ended up getting the best of him, resulting in attacking Barnes. Tony wishes he wouldn't have, he wishes he would've tried to remember no matter what that  _it wasn't him_. He would end up always blaming that on himself, but he didn't deserve it. Of course Tony fucking lost it that night. You can only pile so much onto a person before they break. And it wasn't just anything. It wasn't even necessarily the footage of his mother being brutally  _murdered_ , it was the betrayal. The betrayal from  _Steve._ And as if things couldn't get worse from there, further into the fight, Tony realized that Steve was going to  _kill him_ if it meant protecting Bucky from the pain he didn't deserve. And he came fairly close to doing so too, the only thing stopping him being the earlier choice to take off Tony's helmet, and then to stop himself. Tony felt as if he couldn't blame Steve though. He knew Bucky was Steve's everything, that he had been secretly longing to have him back since he found out he was alive, he always knew deep down he could never compare. That Steve would choose Bucky over Tony any day, despite having been in a relationship with Tony for about three years. Tony always knew he could never be Bucky, but he also couldn't help but let emotion get the best of him and feel so  _hurt._

 

It's a curse that Tony could remember every single detail about every thought pacing through his mind once Steve had him pinned down by the hips and began fighting him, beating him in such _rage_ and pugnacious high. With every brutal punch in the face he received, he remembers just thinking over and over in his head that  ** _'this is it'_** , honestly believing he would die by the hands of the one person he loved most in this world. He remembers internally _praying_ to any god listening  that maybe somehow all of this would just be a terrible dream, that this just could  _not_ be happening. He remembers the look of pure  _anger_ on Steve's face as he slammed his shield right down into the arc reactor, nearly killing Tony. And if he tries really hard, he can still remember the quick shift of emotion painted across Steve's face not seconds later; realization, panic, and disappoint in himself wrapped up into one hard-to-make-out look. 

 

Tony remembers laying there after the fact, thinking back in time about a year prior to that very moment to a much simpler time. The atmosphere was welcoming, he was lying there in his bed with Steve by his side. Something about that specific night was special, he still couldn't wrap his finger around why. But Steve was warm, inviting, and the most gorgeous Tony had ever seen him. Steve, and that dumb, precious afterglow smile that was spread across his face. Steve's fingers were running through Tony's hair. The two were cuddled up together, both unwilling to let go of each other. He remembered in that moment some oddly convenient choice of words that he had whispered into the air, but were meant for Steve's ears. They were almost chilling to think about now.

 

_"Steve, if you're gonna be the death of me, that's how I wanna go."_

 

It's been almost exactly two years since the fall. Two years since Tony lost seemingly everything. Two years of blaming himself for everything that had happened.

 

Thor was God-knows-where. Bruce was gone, perhaps  _dead_. Rhodey was practically paralyzed  _thanks to him_. Clint, Wanda, Sam, and some other person named Scott he hadn't gotten to know were locked up, treated as prisoners. He was left with terrible guilt of bringing Peter into this chaotic world (yet another impulsive decision he blames himself for). And he and Steve had parted ways. Steve,  _his_ Steve, was gone. And he was most likely never coming back.

 

Despite trying his best to pretend he's moved on and despite the letter from Steve apologizing for everything on his part, including an extensive apology on his biggest mistake; not telling Tony the truth about his parents and having Tony find out the hard way. And of course, Steve just  _had to_ give him gesture of a truce with that dumb little flip-phone. Tony still appreciated it, despite how frustrated and bitter he was. The phone specifically tugged at his heart, causing him to carry it on him at all times. He didn't know exactly  _why_ , because despite what the phone was for, he knew he would probably never call Steve for help. He wasn't even sure if he was waiting for himself or Steve to make the move of calling.

 

Tony had almost caved once in the span of two years, and it was about two months after the fall.

 

One night, Tony had lost himself in his thoughts and nothing could distract him from his self-hatred, specifically around the blame of what happened with Steve. He had gotten _completely_ shitfaced, getting deeper and deeper into his own thoughts. He sat out on the edge of the pane of a large window that had the most beautiful view of New York City. Tony had remembered  _everything._ He slipped the phone out of his back pocket and opened it, going to the one contact he had saved and just stared at the screen.

 

_Steve Rogers. 678-136-7092._

 

Tony stared at that screen for at least ten minutes, battling with himself and his own drunken thoughts, until he finally pressed that tiny little 'select' button. He felt so relieved yet so nervous at the same time, it was just getting so hard and he  _needed_ Steve. He needed to hear his voice, his beautiful voice that he would remember hearing every time he awoke from a nightmare, the same one that whispered to him as he trailed kisses along his neck, assuring him  _every thing would be okay_. The phone began to ring for what seemed like _hours_ , but in reality was only fifteen seconds. Just as he figured the line would ring out, he heard the phone pick up. At first, it was just dead air, then slight crackling before he heard small breathing. To Tony, he knew this wasn't just  _anyone's_ breath though. It belonged to someone who's breath he had become intimately far too familiar with.

 

_"Tony?"_

 

Tony suddenly panicked and remained silent, having no idea what to say. He called yet for some reason didn't exactly expect an answer, another thing he wasn't quite sure why. Tony started to feel the familiar feeling of blood slowly draining from his face and rushing to his fingertips and beginning to feel as if they were swollen. Instinctively, he took a deep breath and let it out unevenly and started to choke back on a cry he could feel threatening to escape his throat. He forgot for a moment that Steve was even on the other line.

 

"Tony? Are you okay?"

 

That alone made Tony's heart skip a few beats as he felt tears involuntarily beginning to run down his cheeks, along with more sobs being choked out. Steve knew this sound, and it worried him. For three years, he encountered this noise on many instances where Tony woke up crying and shaking in a cold sweat. Steve was  _always_ there to help him through his anxiety attacks, his nightmares, and all of his other sleepless nights spent procrastinating in the lab and was there on one certain occasion where Tony nearly drank himself to death. Steve  _knew_ this noise, and all that flooded through his head was sheer worry. It made him want to drop everything and risk coming out of hiding just to go see Tony and tell him the same things he would tell him back then, but also to hold him tight and assure him that everything would be okay because he was there and Steve would protect him from  _everything_.

 

"Tony, _please answer me, honey._ Are y-?"

 

Tony never heard the rest of Steve's question. And he wasn't sure if he even wanted to. Tony slammed the phone shut, hanging it up, and chucked it across the room, hitting a wall, causing a crack that still remains there lying across the screen. As soon as he realized what he had done, he started to hate himself even more, eventually surrendering to emotions as he sat there, uncontrollably sobbing all balled up with his arms wrapped tight around his knees. Nearly choking as he repeated  _"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry-"_ over and over to no one but himself for nearly hours before he eventually found himself drifting off into an uncomfortable sleep on the floor.

 

Tony had to give it to himself though that he did a fairly  _okay_ job of keeping his struggles to himself. He thought about Steve from time to time, in fact, more than he thought he would. He never ever mentioned to anyone, not even Rhodey, how  _fucking much_ he missed Steve. If he didn't know any better, it'd be safe to say he was almost positive he was going to take that to his grave. And of course never to Pepper, as he didn't know it, but was going back to her in desperate attempt to keep himself sane.

 

He did truly try to keep Steve off his mind. Especially when he came back to Pepper in hopes to rekindle their relationship. Admittedly, whether he even really knew it or not, it was truly to forget about Steve, but he also just wanted to be happy again, and he figured being with Pepper could give him that. Because don't get him wrong, he  _loves_ Pepper. So much to the point where he would consider her his soulmate, they've been through so much and anyone around Pepper for more than five minutes would know it's nearly impossible  _not_ to love her. Their relationship was just...complicated, to say the least. He loved Pepper, but he had fallen  _out of love_ with her. Long ago, actually. But he had convinced himself maybe a three year break was just what they needed.

 

And besides that, he was ready to forget old memories and determined to make new ones. And  _that_ got so bad to the point where he had to sell The Avengers tower because he couldn't stand to even be in the building. He knew it sounded dramatic, but he needed to get rid of it, completely move everything upstate at the other facility. There was just too many memories. Specifically whenever he passed Steve's room, which was conveniently not too far from the lab and his own room.

 

He'd remember the nights he'd spend in Steve's room, a room which he practically adopted as his own as well. One of his favorite memories being the time Steve had asked to make love to Tony, and the warm feeling that pitted in his stomach that gave him butterflies following the question. Steve, let alone  _anyone_ had never done that or asked of it. When he thought about it, no one had ever really even treated sex as  _making love_ with him. And it was the most amazing, intimate feeling he had ever felt in a relationship. He remembered falling asleep in Steve's arms slowly after he promised him he just wanted to close his eyes for a few moments, and waking up to the feeling of emptiness, only for relief of the brief panic to come just moments later when he looked up to see Steve sitting at the edge of the bed, a single bedside lamp lighting up the room as he noticed a pencil in one hand, and Steve's sketchbook in the other. From the tiniest glimpse he caught of the paper, Tony could tell Steve was drinking in the moment, sketching down what Tony had looked like on their bed. When Steve looked up and met his eyes with Tony's, he could see Steve's face flush with embarrassment. 

 

Tony would often think of moments like those as he passed by every now and then. He's gotten better at dealing with what had happened, and not knowing if Steve felt the same for some reason ruined him. 

 

To blame this all on Tony is unfair.

 

Actually, for Tony to blame this all on himself is unfair. But of course, he'll never realize that.

 

Now, here Tony sits on an abandoned planet with no one except a practical stranger. Left with nothing but the guilt feeling, blaming himself because he feels as though he should've done more,  _could've_ done more. He had the chance to defeat Thanos, but he just wasn't enough. And he even got mocked for it.

 

_"All that for a drop of blood?"_

 

Tony watched the person who saved his life, many other new companions, and even  _the kid_ die.

 

_I could've saved them. I could've fucking saved them, but I didn't. They didn't have to die, but they did, and it's because of me-_

 

After coming down from an anxious, guilt-ridden high, his mind shifted focus to what he should be doing next. What to do, where to go, who to see. Specifically wondering what was happening on Earth, the mental images scaring him. All the chaos probably going on, all the loss, the confusion, the anger, innocent people dying, everyone losing loved ones without having any idea of what has happened. That's when it hit him-

 

_Steve. Bruce. Nat. Pepper. Everyone._

 

But  _Steve_. Oh  _God,_ what happened to Steve?

 

Did he get  _dusted_ too? If he did, Tony would've never gotten the chance to say what he's been meaning to all this time. What he's been  _dying_ to say. He could be  _gone_ and Steve would  _never know. Oh God,_ how Tony needs to know who was left, who he needed to make it back to, who he was lucky enough to still have. That's all he could possibly care about at the moment. He couldn't possibly think of anything else but who he had left. About Steve. About Bruce, one of his best friends he just learned was still alive. About Rhodey. About Pepper.

 

He was going to make it back. Back to everyone. Back to Steve.

 

_Whatever it takes._


End file.
